An Introduction to Ladies

THE LADIES is a game for Tossers. It was invented at Anne Ginder's New Years Living History Encampment 2009 in Warkworth.
Sat around the campfire, a bunch of Tossers mulled over the problem of deciding whom amongst them was the Greatest Tosser of all. And so it was, on that fateful night, that the Game of the LADIES was born.
The very next morning saw all of the Tossers working feverishly to create the perfect Woody that they felt would go the distance and knock off more Ladies than any other.


The Rules:

The Object of the Game ~
The Gentlemen muft toff their woodief with great fkill and dexterity to knock off af many ladief af they are able before the climax of the game.

The winner fhall be known unto all af The Greateft Toffer.

The Gentleman who comef laft having knocked off the feweft Ladief fhall be called the Biggeft fucker and he muft throw hif woody upon the fire in fhame where it may at laft provide fome comfort to the miftreffef.

Prior to the Commencement of The Game ~
Each Gentleman (hereinafter known as a Toffer) fhall fhow hif woody to one of the miftreffef that they might be fatiffied that it be of fufficient quality.

A miftreff may, at her pleafure, requeft that the toffer prove that hif woody if of fuitable girth and length. Pleafe refer to the rulef regarding the Qualitief of a Woody.

Fetting up the Game ~
The Tofferf muft agree amoungft themfelvef the location of the Knob, thif being the point where all the toffing if done.

One of the Tofferf fhould then take the three ladief in hif armf and walk forward one fcore pacef and there erect the Ladief in a line facing the Knob. The Ladief fhould be erected approximately fix inchef apart (about the length of a Tofferf forearm).

Each Lady fhould be decorated with a fmall bouquet which muft remain in place until fhe if deflowered by a fucceffful toff.

Playing the Game ~
The Tofferf muft decide the order in which they are to toff at the Ladief.

When it if hif turn, each Toffer will demonftrate hif proweff by toffing hif Woody from the Knob at the Ladief. He muft try and knock off af many af he if able.

Af long af a toffer knockf off at leaft one of the Ladief, he may retrieve hif Woody and Toff again provided that he hath fufficient ftamina to do fo.

If all of the Ladief are knocked off and are lying down upon the ground, then the Toffer may tend to them fuch af they are erect once more. The Toffer may then return to the Knob and toff again.

If a Toffer knockf off all three Ladief with a fingle toff of hif Woody, all the other Tofferf muft cry out with great gufto, ~“What-a -Toffer!!!

The Greateft Toffer fhall be the firft to fcore with ten of the Ladief. However, the Greateft Toffer will only be decided once all of the Tofferf have completed the end.

The Biggeft Fucker muft caft hif Woody upon the fire to burn fuch that it will caufe no further diffappointment or embaraffment.

Actf of Dog ~
Actf of Dog are confidered to be predetermined and are to be played af they lie.

Ettiqette to be Obferved by all Tofferf ~
No Toffer may touch another'f Woody. If a Toffer haf interfered with another'f Woody then the Mifftreffef fhall rub oil all over hif Woody fo that it will flip from hif grafp caufing him to releafe prematurely and come fhort of the Ladief.

No Toffer may diftract another whilft they are on the Knob.

If a Toffer if offended or hif honour if called into Queftion by another, he may iffue a Challenge to a Toff Off. If the Challenge if not met the Toffer may approach the Miftreffef to mete out Juftice. In fuch a cafe the Miftreffef fhould pour fcorn upon the limp wrifted toffer who haf failed to meet hif obligation and demand that he furrender hif Woody that it may be cut fhort or fplit in twain according to the mifteffef defiref.

It if the duty of all Tofferf to fhow their pagef how to make a Woody upon their coming of age on their twelth birthday and to inftruct them in the art of Toffing.

Tofferf muft at all timef treat their Woody with due reverence and care, enfuring that it if polifhed daily and doef not become infefted with any form of peftilence.

Qualitief of a Woody ~ Fize doef matter.
A Woody if a thing of beauty and bringf great joy to a miftreffef heart. In order to do fo it muft be of correct girth and length. A toffer muft be able to clofe hif hand around hif Woody and ftroke it along itf full length keeping hif hand clofed (the Toffer'f fingertip muft remain in contact with hif thumb of the fame hand af he ftrokef it up and down hif Woody). The length of the Woody muft not be too long left it difpleafe the miftreffef. A Woody muft be no longer than a Tofferf arm. The Toffer muft be able to wrap hif fingerf over one end whilft keeping the other againft the infide of hif arm.

The Making of a Woody.
Before a Toffer can play the Ladief, he muft firft create hif Woody. A Woody blank muft be carefully chofen by a would-be toffer who fhould firft teft it to enfure that feelf comfortable in hif hand. Next, he fhould give it a quick toff to enfure that he can make it go the diftance. If he if thuf pleafed, he muft peel back the outer fkin and infpect the core to enfure that it if wholefome throughout. He fhould then retire to a quiet place to work on hif Woody, tranfforming it into an extenfion of himfelf. The toffer fhould pay particular attention to the end to make fure that it if fmooth and a pleafure to hold. He may decorate it in any way he feef fit to make it ftand out.

Practice Maketh Perfect