Wild weather at St Johns could not stop 4 tossers getting their woodies out for a game of the Ladies.
Taking the knob were Master Brian, Lord Edward, Lord Robert of Knightsbridge and Eirik Bruni. Lady Katherine Xavier was the Mistress for the event.
Svarta had failed to produce a woodie after his disappointing performance at the Easter Encampment and could not take part. On the other hand, Brian had fashioned an impressive full-length spiraling bejewelled woodie! Mistress Katherine was most impressed! She did express concern though regarding the size of Eirik's saying it lacked girth and looked rather sad... it still had nails in it where Eirik had had to perform emergency surgery at the last tournament.
The early rounds saw Brian and Edward gain an early lead with Eirik remaining scoreless pulling left and right and coming short.
Edward pulled off a magnificent toss to knock-off all 3 Ladies with a single shot.. "What a Tosser!" This gave him an unsurpassable lead and he went on to win comfortably despite a late come-back from Robert in the final end.
The scores: Edward 10, Robert 6, Brian 4 and Eirik 1.
The weather meant that the tradition of burning the Biggest Sucker's (Eirik's) woodie on the fire was out of the queston as there was no fire. So Robert of Knightsbridge kindly offered to blow it up with some gun-powder that he 'just so happened' to have on him. (More disturbing was that he was also equipped with a variety of fuses etc!).
Sadly Eirik's woodie failed to go out with one last Bang and it just fizzed and burnt a bit.
So Tossers, take note: As Brian so clearly demonstated, size isn't everything.. it what you do with that counts.
Practice maketh Perfect
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Inaugural Tournament held at Braythwaytes Easter Gathering 2009
Mistress Aelfwyn inspects Woodies prior to the Inaugural Tournament of the Ladies held at the Braythwayte's Easter Gathering 2009.
Mistress Aelfwyn has grave doubts about the Woody presented by virgin tosser Svarta. All the other Tossers seemed to share her concern!!
However, Lord Svarta demonstrated that his woody was indeed of sufficient girth and length and so the Tossers went forth to the Knob ready for the first End.
The Tossers were: Leofric, Edward, Robert, Svarta, Brian, Eirik and Martin.
The 7 Gentlemen took to the field and the competition began with each showing their individual style.
Bacchus the Golden Retriever was quick to join in, chasing the woodies and grabbing them in his mouth and returning them to their frustrated owners! Mistress Aelfwyn declared the ensuing chaos to be an 'Act of Dog' and the game should be continue as it lay.
Robert proved to be a slow starter but was soon showing that he could toss harder than any other. So hard in fact that his woody almost split assunder under the pressure. However he continued manfully with his injured woody and finished in 2nd place with a score of 7 Ladies.
Edward scored 6 Ladies which made Leofric at 12 twice the Tosser and indeed the Greatest and first Baronial Tosser.
Martin - one of the virgin tossers managed to avoid humiliation with a single (but highly satisfying) Lady.
Svarta, Eirik and Brian all failed to score and were subjected to a Toss-off!
With the pressure building, Eirik was the first to come up with a Lady and so force a second Toss Off between Brian and Svarta. With their woodies in grave peril the two nervous Tossers took to the knob to try yet again to score with the Ladies.
With Svarta coming short and tossing wildly to left and right, Brian went the distance and finally made it with a magnificent Lady. The disappointed and extremely frustrated Svarta was escorted to the fire, where, in front of his Lady and children as well as the other Tossers, Mistress Aelfwyn and the assembled crowd he cast his useless woody upon the flames and watched as it turned slowly to ash.
The next Ladies Tournament is to be held at St Johns 2009 on July 11th.
Practice ~ Maketh ~ Perfect
An Introduction to Ladies
THE LADIES is a game for Tossers. It was invented at Anne Ginder's New Years Living History Encampment 2009 in Warkworth.
Sat around the campfire, a bunch of Tossers mulled over the problem of deciding whom amongst them was the Greatest Tosser of all. And so it was, on that fateful night, that the Game of the LADIES was born.
The very next morning saw all of the Tossers working feverishly to create the perfect Woody that they felt would go the distance and knock off more Ladies than any other.
The Rules:
The Object of the Game ~
The Gentlemen muft toff their woodief with great fkill and dexterity to knock off af many ladief af they are able before the climax of the game.
The winner fhall be known unto all af The Greateft Toffer.
The Gentleman who comef laft having knocked off the feweft Ladief fhall be called the Biggeft fucker and he muft throw hif woody upon the fire in fhame where it may at laft provide fome comfort to the miftreffef.
Prior to the Commencement of The Game ~
Each Gentleman (hereinafter known as a Toffer) fhall fhow hif woody to one of the miftreffef that they might be fatiffied that it be of fufficient quality.
A miftreff may, at her pleafure, requeft that the toffer prove that hif woody if of fuitable girth and length. Pleafe refer to the rulef regarding the Qualitief of a Woody.
Fetting up the Game ~
The Tofferf muft agree amoungft themfelvef the location of the Knob, thif being the point where all the toffing if done.
One of the Tofferf fhould then take the three ladief in hif armf and walk forward one fcore pacef and there erect the Ladief in a line facing the Knob. The Ladief fhould be erected approximately fix inchef apart (about the length of a Tofferf forearm).
Each Lady fhould be decorated with a fmall bouquet which muft remain in place until fhe if deflowered by a fucceffful toff.
Playing the Game ~
The Tofferf muft decide the order in which they are to toff at the Ladief.
When it if hif turn, each Toffer will demonftrate hif proweff by toffing hif Woody from the Knob at the Ladief. He muft try and knock off af many af he if able.
Af long af a toffer knockf off at leaft one of the Ladief, he may retrieve hif Woody and Toff again provided that he hath fufficient ftamina to do fo.
If all of the Ladief are knocked off and are lying down upon the ground, then the Toffer may tend to them fuch af they are erect once more. The Toffer may then return to the Knob and toff again.
If a Toffer knockf off all three Ladief with a fingle toff of hif Woody, all the other Tofferf muft cry out with great gufto, ~“What-a -Toffer!!!
The Greateft Toffer fhall be the firft to fcore with ten of the Ladief. However, the Greateft Toffer will only be decided once all of the Tofferf have completed the end.
The Biggeft Fucker muft caft hif Woody upon the fire to burn fuch that it will caufe no further diffappointment or embaraffment.
Actf of Dog ~
Actf of Dog are confidered to be predetermined and are to be played af they lie.
Ettiqette to be Obferved by all Tofferf ~
No Toffer may touch another'f Woody. If a Toffer haf interfered with another'f Woody then the Mifftreffef fhall rub oil all over hif Woody fo that it will flip from hif grafp caufing him to releafe prematurely and come fhort of the Ladief.
No Toffer may diftract another whilft they are on the Knob.
If a Toffer if offended or hif honour if called into Queftion by another, he may iffue a Challenge to a Toff Off. If the Challenge if not met the Toffer may approach the Miftreffef to mete out Juftice. In fuch a cafe the Miftreffef fhould pour fcorn upon the limp wrifted toffer who haf failed to meet hif obligation and demand that he furrender hif Woody that it may be cut fhort or fplit in twain according to the mifteffef defiref.
It if the duty of all Tofferf to fhow their pagef how to make a Woody upon their coming of age on their twelth birthday and to inftruct them in the art of Toffing.
Tofferf muft at all timef treat their Woody with due reverence and care, enfuring that it if polifhed daily and doef not become infefted with any form of peftilence.
Qualitief of a Woody ~ Fize doef matter.
A Woody if a thing of beauty and bringf great joy to a miftreffef heart. In order to do fo it muft be of correct girth and length. A toffer muft be able to clofe hif hand around hif Woody and ftroke it along itf full length keeping hif hand clofed (the Toffer'f fingertip muft remain in contact with hif thumb of the fame hand af he ftrokef it up and down hif Woody). The length of the Woody muft not be too long left it difpleafe the miftreffef. A Woody muft be no longer than a Tofferf arm. The Toffer muft be able to wrap hif fingerf over one end whilft keeping the other againft the infide of hif arm.
The Making of a Woody.
Before a Toffer can play the Ladief, he muft firft create hif Woody. A Woody blank muft be carefully chofen by a would-be toffer who fhould firft teft it to enfure that feelf comfortable in hif hand. Next, he fhould give it a quick toff to enfure that he can make it go the diftance. If he if thuf pleafed, he muft peel back the outer fkin and infpect the core to enfure that it if wholefome throughout. He fhould then retire to a quiet place to work on hif Woody, tranfforming it into an extenfion of himfelf. The toffer fhould pay particular attention to the end to make fure that it if fmooth and a pleafure to hold. He may decorate it in any way he feef fit to make it ftand out.
Practice Maketh Perfect
Sat around the campfire, a bunch of Tossers mulled over the problem of deciding whom amongst them was the Greatest Tosser of all. And so it was, on that fateful night, that the Game of the LADIES was born.
The very next morning saw all of the Tossers working feverishly to create the perfect Woody that they felt would go the distance and knock off more Ladies than any other.
The Rules:
The Object of the Game ~
The Gentlemen muft toff their woodief with great fkill and dexterity to knock off af many ladief af they are able before the climax of the game.
The winner fhall be known unto all af The Greateft Toffer.
The Gentleman who comef laft having knocked off the feweft Ladief fhall be called the Biggeft fucker and he muft throw hif woody upon the fire in fhame where it may at laft provide fome comfort to the miftreffef.
Prior to the Commencement of The Game ~
Each Gentleman (hereinafter known as a Toffer) fhall fhow hif woody to one of the miftreffef that they might be fatiffied that it be of fufficient quality.
A miftreff may, at her pleafure, requeft that the toffer prove that hif woody if of fuitable girth and length. Pleafe refer to the rulef regarding the Qualitief of a Woody.
Fetting up the Game ~
The Tofferf muft agree amoungft themfelvef the location of the Knob, thif being the point where all the toffing if done.
One of the Tofferf fhould then take the three ladief in hif armf and walk forward one fcore pacef and there erect the Ladief in a line facing the Knob. The Ladief fhould be erected approximately fix inchef apart (about the length of a Tofferf forearm).
Each Lady fhould be decorated with a fmall bouquet which muft remain in place until fhe if deflowered by a fucceffful toff.
Playing the Game ~
The Tofferf muft decide the order in which they are to toff at the Ladief.
When it if hif turn, each Toffer will demonftrate hif proweff by toffing hif Woody from the Knob at the Ladief. He muft try and knock off af many af he if able.
Af long af a toffer knockf off at leaft one of the Ladief, he may retrieve hif Woody and Toff again provided that he hath fufficient ftamina to do fo.
If all of the Ladief are knocked off and are lying down upon the ground, then the Toffer may tend to them fuch af they are erect once more. The Toffer may then return to the Knob and toff again.
If a Toffer knockf off all three Ladief with a fingle toff of hif Woody, all the other Tofferf muft cry out with great gufto, ~“What-a -Toffer!!!
The Greateft Toffer fhall be the firft to fcore with ten of the Ladief. However, the Greateft Toffer will only be decided once all of the Tofferf have completed the end.
The Biggeft Fucker muft caft hif Woody upon the fire to burn fuch that it will caufe no further diffappointment or embaraffment.
Actf of Dog ~
Actf of Dog are confidered to be predetermined and are to be played af they lie.
Ettiqette to be Obferved by all Tofferf ~
No Toffer may touch another'f Woody. If a Toffer haf interfered with another'f Woody then the Mifftreffef fhall rub oil all over hif Woody fo that it will flip from hif grafp caufing him to releafe prematurely and come fhort of the Ladief.
No Toffer may diftract another whilft they are on the Knob.
If a Toffer if offended or hif honour if called into Queftion by another, he may iffue a Challenge to a Toff Off. If the Challenge if not met the Toffer may approach the Miftreffef to mete out Juftice. In fuch a cafe the Miftreffef fhould pour fcorn upon the limp wrifted toffer who haf failed to meet hif obligation and demand that he furrender hif Woody that it may be cut fhort or fplit in twain according to the mifteffef defiref.
It if the duty of all Tofferf to fhow their pagef how to make a Woody upon their coming of age on their twelth birthday and to inftruct them in the art of Toffing.
Tofferf muft at all timef treat their Woody with due reverence and care, enfuring that it if polifhed daily and doef not become infefted with any form of peftilence.
Qualitief of a Woody ~ Fize doef matter.
A Woody if a thing of beauty and bringf great joy to a miftreffef heart. In order to do fo it muft be of correct girth and length. A toffer muft be able to clofe hif hand around hif Woody and ftroke it along itf full length keeping hif hand clofed (the Toffer'f fingertip muft remain in contact with hif thumb of the fame hand af he ftrokef it up and down hif Woody). The length of the Woody muft not be too long left it difpleafe the miftreffef. A Woody muft be no longer than a Tofferf arm. The Toffer muft be able to wrap hif fingerf over one end whilft keeping the other againft the infide of hif arm.
The Making of a Woody.
Before a Toffer can play the Ladief, he muft firft create hif Woody. A Woody blank muft be carefully chofen by a would-be toffer who fhould firft teft it to enfure that feelf comfortable in hif hand. Next, he fhould give it a quick toff to enfure that he can make it go the diftance. If he if thuf pleafed, he muft peel back the outer fkin and infpect the core to enfure that it if wholefome throughout. He fhould then retire to a quiet place to work on hif Woody, tranfforming it into an extenfion of himfelf. The toffer fhould pay particular attention to the end to make fure that it if fmooth and a pleafure to hold. He may decorate it in any way he feef fit to make it ftand out.
Practice Maketh Perfect
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